How to Love

Love is expressed as an action and experienced as a feeling. Yet, love has an essence that resists defining in any single way––it encompasses compassion, tolerance, endurance, support, faith, determination and more. Love reaches beyond romance and embraces us in all walks of life as we encounter one another and make choices about respecting and caring for each other.

The question of how you should love is really only a question that you can answer, from deep within your own heart and from your own thoughts on the matter. However, this article will give you some food for thought, by recommending some ideas on love for pondering anew.

Steps

1
Acknowledge the breadth of love. Love isn't simply about romance––to define it so narrowly is to deprive yourself of the beauty and full extent of love. Love is a feeling, drive or emotion that we experience in association with people, pursuits and nature, and love can be found in many places, situations and relationships.
- Love is shared between people––our parents and children, siblings, spouses and partners, dates, friends, neighbors, community members and humanity.
- It's found in the passion for the things you do in your life, including work, hobbies, volunteering and the like; it can be found when you're at your most creative, or "in the flow".
- Love happens when you embrace the wonderful awesomeness of life, as you acknowledge how incredible this world really is, how intricate and complex life is.
- Love is found in observing nature, in spending time with our companion animals and in learning about other living beings in the world, beings who often show their own expression of love to those they care for.
- Love is at its most giving when it is altruistic, shown to a stranger we may never meet again.
- Love cannot be pigeonholed––it happens whenever your heart is open to receiving the beauty, wonder and awe of people, beings and happenings around you.
2
Learn to recognize what is love and what is something else. Some people confuse love with feelings of lust (e.g., purely sexual interest), ownership or control (e.g., co-dependency or manipulative motivators), worry (e.g., over-involved parenting or a spouse always checking up), neediness (e.g., insecurity or low self-esteem) and so forth. Yet, love is only possible when you don't need others to define who you are or need others to conform to your view of the world. Love isn't a tool for using people or binding them to your side; if you find yourself calling such actions "love", then it isn't love.
3
Begin by loving yourself. You can only truly love another being when you love yourself properly. Otherwise, you risk spending a lot of your life projecting inner hurts, pain and other negative emotions onto other people, seeing the worst in them so as to avoid facing it inside yourself. Loving yourself is not about putting yourself before others––that's another form of confusion. Loving yourself is about having self-respect, discovering what really makes you tick and spending your life being true to your real talents. It's about not putting yourself down and not comparing yourself to others. Once you learn to love yourself, you will be free of any sense of feeling threatened by others' success (real or apparent) and you will be able to share freely of your love with them.
- To love truly is not only having a capacity to give love, but also to gracefully open your heart to receive love. Know that you deserve love. You are worthy of love The more you feel the love in your heart, the greater you are able to give more love to others.
4
Actively show love. Love doesn't just reveal itself through good vibes. It's an active emotion that needs constant input, stoking and tending. It blossoms with attention and shows through the things we do and say to other people each day. Ultimately, you are the one who must take action in order to discover love. Show your devotion to others by being considerate, respectful and thoughtful of their needs, by doing little acts of random kindness and by showing them that you care about their well-being.
- Tell people you love that you love them, as often as possible. Regularly say "I love you" to your child, your parents, your lover, your spouse, your friend, etc. And there are other ways to express love where "I love you" doesn't seem appropriate or lacks clarity on the breadth of your love for the person, such as "You mean a great deal to me", "You inspire me", "You are the most amazing person I've ever known", "I am a better person for having known you", and so forth.
- When you say the words "I Love You", say them with real conviction. You're not telling a person that you love them just because you want to feel good––you're saying it because you want the other person to feel good!
- Don't be ashamed to tell anyone that you love your friends as much as you love anyone else in your life.
5
Love unconditionally. Love is an action from which you should not expect returns. If you cannot love another person without attaching stipulations such as expecting to be loved in equal measure in return, then it is not love at all, but deep-seated opportunism (namely, making the most of an advantage and being unmindful of others).
- If your interest is not in the other person as such, but rather in how that person can enhance your experience of life, then it is not unconditional. If you only love others for how they can ensure your well-being, you do not know love.
- If you have no intention of improving that person’s life, or allowing that person to be themselves and accepting them as they are, and not who you want them to be, then you are not striving to love them unconditionally.
- If you profess to love others as a means of gaining power over them, then it is not love but manipulation.
- Expecting nothing in return doesn't mean you should allow someone to mistreat or undervalue you. It means that giving love does not guarantee receiving love. Try loving just for the sake of love. Realize that someone may have a different way of showing his or her love for you; do not expect to be loved back in exactly the same way.
6
Be tolerant. Love is about acceptance and tolerance. You cannot say in one breath that you're a loving and caring person and in the other breath say that you hate a particular person or type of person. To do so is to deny the reality of love, which is accepting of even the things you find hard to love in another person. More importantly, love does not compartmentalize––it sees a person as a whole, rather than focusing on a part you dislike and turning that disliked part into the person's whole. Love doesn't judge; it tolerates the differences, accepting the choices people make for themselves in life.
- You may have heard someone say that they love a person but do not like them. In this case, the speaker is likely telling you that they accept the person and respect the dignity of that person as a whole but that they couldn't get along with that person, or that they disagree with much that this person thinks, or that they would never choose to spend time with them in companionship. Love doesn't ask you to befriend a person––it asks you to tolerate, to think beyond your own notions of how the world should be and to accept differences without judging.
- Empathize. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Rather than imposing your own expectations or attempting to control another person's viewpoints or lifestyle, seek to understand how they feel, where they come from, and who they are. Realize how they could also love you back just as well if you open the way.
7
Love those who don't love you. Love teaches you that hateful people are often driven by a lack of self-respect and that they're churned up about all the things they don't like about themselves, causing them to project this hate onto others. Of all people, haters need your compassion most. And it is love that leads to compassionate responses. Where hate is directed toward you, repel it with love and use their hatred as motivation to show that tolerance, kindness and acceptance are better ways to get along in our communities.
8
Accept risk. You cannot love without accepting that there is always a chance of loss of the love or of being hurt. That is what makes love so powerful though––we risk much because the reward of love is so great. And in losing love at times in life, you learn to appreciate the love you do have even more and you also learn that at times in life, it is better to let go than to force someone to love you. Most importantly, you have a choice. You have a choice to let a loss of love ruin you for all times, perhaps becoming like Miss Havisham inGreat Expectations, embittered all her life, emotionally stuck at the time of the loss. Or, you can make the choice to learn from hurtful experiences, however difficult the lesson, and move on to discover the many other people who won't reject your love and who will give freely of theirs.
- Think how lucky you are to have people in your life to love.
- Never seek to make an idol out of any person you love. This is likely to lose the person in the long run, as they'll feel pressured to live up to something you've imposed upon them. Let them be who they really are around you––that's a true expression of love.
9
Make love your eternal thing. Never stop loving other people who are in your life and who come and go. By sharing love around, you create a loving environment and you inspire others to do the same thing. You also show the best reflection of your worth to others when you love. More people showing love in our world means endless forgiveness, a willingness to give people second chances and a commitment to moving humanity forward, ever striving for greater harmony. Jean Anouilh once observed that "love is, above all, the gift of oneself." In giving of the best of who you really are to others in the name of love, you transcend selfish motives and introspection, and truly seek to appreciate others.
- Love is a means by which you start to see things more clearly together, to reach compromises or to collaborate, and to make room for finding a way forward that includes others, not just your ego.
- People become beautiful to you because you love them. In a society obsessed with appearance, it can often seem the other way around but the reality is that love makes a person beautiful and the imperfect perfect.

Tips

It does not make you a bad person to desire someone else's love, even if they do not love you. However, to truly love someone, you must let them be free. It is selfish to blame them for your feelings.
There are many types of relationships that involve love, but love itself is a common thread to all those relationships. For example: a mother-son relationship is different from the relationship with a best friend, and both these relationships are different from a romantic relationship. But in each of these relationships, each person loves the other (wants the best for the other). Love is the base of the pyramid. On top of the base, we can add other items such as other common interests (in the case of friends) or sex (in the case of romantic relationships). Therefore, relationships can grow and evolve but the love itself is solid and constant. It does not change.
You have to find someone that will suit you, someone you feel comfortable with.
As a word, love can be found worldwide and is often used to describe compassion and/or emotional attachment. Sometimes love songs do not accurately describe love, but rather, the absence of love, hence the sad tone of some romantic songs.
Love genuinely. Do not compare your feelings now to what your feelings were when you were with another mate.
Do things that make the other person feel good and happy, but don't smother them with gifts and attention.
People in love are sensitive to each other's needs, and endeavor to meet them even when they don't feel like doing it. People who are truly in love do not insist that their way is best and demand that their mates give in to them.
Refrain from rehearsing your good traits just to show off. Bragging in a relationship often is really defensiveness.
Men and women may be equal in value but different by nature. People who truly are in love give their mates "space" to develop their potential and find their fulfillment in life.
Be considerate of each other's feelings and courteous in your actions toward one another. Sadly, sarcasm is a way of life for some couples and friends. When people ridicule each other, belittle each other and trade jibes with a fury, it leaves wounds that will someday become festering sores.
Look out for your mate's best interests as much as your own.
Control your anger when the someone displeases you. We are all human, and all humans feel anger periodically, but we only express our anger in destructive ways when we are counting on someone else to meet our needs.
Never take pleasure in the disappointments or failures of others. People are in greatest need of support and compassion at such times in life.
Treat others with absolute trust. Some lovers torment themselves with groundless suspicions. If you look for trouble, you will find it every time.
Always look forward to your relationships with other people growing more meaningful and precious over time. Have hope, which is an attitude that happily anticipates the good. It isn't being blind and denying that there are problems, but it does look beyond the problems. People who truly love others do not allow their problems to rob them of their happiness.
Remember there is no failure in love, because once you tell somebody that you love them, then you have already succeeded in love.

Warnings

You must love yourself before you can love another. But before you can love yourself, you must know and understand yourself profoundly. This deep understanding of yourself will automatically lead you to love yourself (since you will become aware of your divine essence) and you will also love every other person at that same moment (because you will recognize that same divine essence in every other person).
Loving others isn't always easy. It's not supposed to be.
There is always the risk of getting hurt. And if love switches to fear, remember to fully love and trust in your constant decision to choose love over fear.
Jealousy is a clear sign of fear. Therefore the most appropriate response is to begin loving again (since we cannot love and fear at the same time).
Realize what you have while you have it, and care for the person you love and trust.
The idea of romantic love is often fueled by fantasies and much of the romantic love shown in movies and romance novels is unrealistic and causes real mortals to feel inadequate. Be aware that creatively written or filmed romantic love is a thing of art in its own––mere mortals are recommended to see that romantic love has warts. The more expansively you view romantic love, the more accepting you are that romantic love isn't always ideal and the more certain you are about who you are and what matters to you in life, the more likely you'll be to find happiness in romance. Leave those rose colored glasses slightly lifted at all times!
Never seek to force love. You can try but you'll find fear, neediness and insecurity, not love. Love will come if you're willing to share love, to give of it freely and to expect nothing in return.
Sometimes you need to tell people how you love them. Because some people may take it the wrong way.

My Top 10 Pet Peeves of the Romance Novel

So, here are my top 10 pet peeves on the romance novels that I’ve read throughout the years. Don’t worry, mystery/suspense novels, you’re next!

1. His eyes danced across her bosom

Really? Aside from the fact that eyeballs do not have arms and legs and therefore cannot possibly dance anywhere, let alone atop her voluminous breasts, this just grates on my nerves. I want to pluck those pesky eyeballs from her chest and hoist them back into their sockets.

2. Kissing and flirting for increased se♥ual tension

When a story is already classified as a romance, there’s no question that there will exist a se♥ual tension of sorts between the hero and heroine. But don’t ruin it with the occasional stolen kiss or less than climactic romp in the hay throughout the storyline. It’s not necessary and it makes the consummation less meaningful and intense. When he finally “takes her” it should be all the way or nothing. Wait, that’s too much like real life chemistry.

3. The sardonic smile

Seriously, what does this look like? Does one side of his lip go up in a quirk and the other in a half-ass smile? Awkward, isn't it? Why doesn't he just smile after making a satirical remark? Is that too difficult to put down on paper?

4. His smile reached his eyes.

Don't you picture a set of stretched lips popping out from behind the eyes, gasping for breath after having climbed some mysterious set of stairs in order to get there?

5. The seduction by the virginal heroine, while the hero watches with obvious amusement

This is painful to read. This doesn't happen in reality. No matter how clumsy a beautiful, young woman's attempt at seduction, no male object of her affection is going to be watching with amusement. He will be involved from the beginning when she asks, "Would you like to come in for a drink?" This is not amusing to any man; this is serious business. Anything a woman does from this point on deserves his full attention, seriously.

6. Aftermath of the lust-filled evening

Why does the guy always get up first, leaving the woman to awaken, alone, cheeks burning as she reflects upon her behavior from the previous evening? Instead, I want to see her walk in when he wakes up. I want her to be fully clothed and in control. She drops a few photos on the bed and says, "My real name is Isabelle Gonzales and I'm a spy. I've been following your involvement with Cicero, Inc. We'll need to clear a few things up before breakfast." Exit heroine, wearing 4 inch stilettos and an Armani suit. But hey, that's just me.

7. Enter femme fatale

Why are they always a mirror image of the bitchiest girl in high school? A woman doesn't have to be a complete bitch to make another woman feel insecure. I'd like to read some fresh material on this element of romance. The femme fatale is over played and certainly under appreciated by me.

8. Good looking millionaires thinking that a woman is after his money

Right, because he certainly doesn’t have anything else going for him. Perfect teeth, brilliant smile, confidence, strength and a great command over the people around him -- no, that's not attractive at all. It's definitely his money she's after. Nothing like ruining a perfectly wonderful hero by making him a dumbass on top of all his greatness.

9. The big misunderstanding

Every romance has one. The perceived socialite is discovered to be a virgin. The hermit lumber jack turns out to be the CEO of a multi-million dollar company. Ta da! Surprise! Really?

10. Wrapping it all up

The ending of a romance is always the boring part to me. All the mysterious things going on have to be wrapped up by the author in such a way that you will understand why something happened that probably shouldn't have happened without explanation. This is also the part where the man gets mushy and drops the facade of being the strong, wealthy, confident man with whom she fell in love. He's become a wallowing wimp and she cries tears of joy over his professed love for her.